We began a series of articles yesterday dealing with marriage. God authorized the institution of marriage and has provided sufficient instruction in His Divine Word to ensure the success of every marriage, if followed. We mentioned in yesterday's article that for our marriage to please God, it is important to build it on a strong and scriptural foundation. Those who exhibit the “new nature” that Christ desires will also possess the nature that every spouse desires. The best guarantee that our marriages will be great is to live great Christian lives. Faithful, loving, and mature Christians make faithful, loving, and mature marriage partners. Our first priority in making the necessary changes in our lives needs to be to please our Savior. Needed changes must be made EVEN IF our spouse may not be so inclined because the Lord has commanded it from us as His people.

But what if you have been married for a number of years and you realize your marriage is not what it should be. What can and should be done? Perhaps the wise counsel provided in Rev. 2:1-7 will help. This is the letter sent to the church at Ephesus. Verse 4 identifies the condemnation leveled against them, “Nevertheless, I have this against you, that you have left your first love…” (Rev. 2:4). Verse 5 then records the solution (remember therefore from where you have fallen, repent, and do the first works again). The commands given to Christians who have left their first love (of the Lord) are also wise counsel for marriage partners who no longer enjoy each other’s company, but desire a marriage that would please God. REMEMBER what you had in the beginning and what you pledged in your marriage vows. REPENT. Determine to do better after learning how to do better. DO THE FIRST WORKS AGAIN. If your marriage is not what it should be, it’s not too late to give your best again. These three points will serve as the outline for today’s article and the next two to follow.

First of all, REMEMBER THEREFORE FROM WHERE YOU HAVE FALLEN. Do you remember how things used to be… before the honeymoon ended? Do you remember conversations that would last for hours, trying to find what made each other happy… and then doing it, showering him/her with praise and affection, and your willingness to sacrifice your own interests for him/her? Why were you willing then to do those things and to pledge in the marriage vows that you would be a faithful and devoted mate who would love, honor, and cherish until death? Are you still willing to do those things? If not, why not? How can two people, who at one time in life could not stand to be apart from each other, drift to the point they can’t stand to be together now?

Meet your “giver” and “taker.” Willard F. Harley, Jr. in his book, "Give and Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility," refers to the “giver” and the “taker” within all of us. He defines the “giver” as the part of you that wants what is in the best interest of others. The “giver’s” mission in life is to help as many people as possible without consideration for self. He defines the “taker” as the part of you that wants what is in your own best interest. The taker is not concerned for the happiness of others and is quite willing to gain happiness at their expense. The “taker” wants you to spend your life understanding your needs and seeing that they are met—at any cost! One does not have to consider for very long which one is dominant during the courtship and early days of marriage.

The “giver” is guiding the relationship and the waters are calm. But when the storms of conflict come, the “taker” will try to do everything possible to take the helm and defend one’s rights. Couples then drift from the first state of marriage (intimacy) into the second state (conflict) and ultimately into the final state (withdrawal).

We will consider the next step (of repentance) in tomorrow's article, but for the rest of the day, remember what you and your spouse were capable and willing to give to each other in the early days of your relationship. We will then work in the next article on the motivation to return to the giving nature you both once had…

Marriage as God would have it || More